The Year Of Course Correction: Daring To Question If This Is The Life I Really Want
Over the Labour Day weekend, I celebrated another year around the sun, and, this time, it felt a little different. Amidst the rush to return to normal, I’ve tried to pause, take this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to. Over the past six months, one of the hardest lessons that I’ve come to embrace is having the courage to let go of what I cannot change.
As many of us have, I’ve watched my life get turned upside down, both personally and professionally. On the personal front, my life has fallen into place. While I’ve been fortunate to have a loving family and a close-knit group of friends all my life, my love life has been… Well, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. My love life has been a sh*t show. That is, until recently.
It was when I least expected it that I met someone. This was at the beginning of 2020. As Covid-19 ramped up, I found myself newly dating a great man. And, months later, despite all the lows we’ve experienced this year, our relationship has continued to strengthen. Finally, I’ve found harmony in all of my relationships, including my love life.
Professionally, it’s less positive. While my personal life is in the best place I’ve ever known, my professional life sits in complete contrast.
“Over the years, as my career began growing, I began to creatively shrink. While the “business as usual” frame of mind has kept me on my toes and performing well at work, I never stopped to consider the impact it was having on my mental wellbeing.”
I find it interesting that I always use the word “perform” when I describe my work ethic. When I think about it though, performing is exactly what I did! I showed up every day. I did what needed to be done.
Until this summer, I should say, when I’ve faced some of the lowest points in my life. Mentally, that is. It was not because of financial worries, but rather an inner turmoil within me. I was in a dark place and I could not “snap out of it.” So many times before, I could talk myself out of ruts, but this time it was different. There was no “snapping out of it.” I was anxious and depressed. Two words I have a hard time using to describe myself.
“It took me a near deep depression and a health scare to realize that, somewhere along the way, I lost focus on what’s important to me. I was busy chasing the wrong type of gratification—material.”
My career successes and failures came to define me as an individual. That was the only worth that I saw in myself. I did not honour who I am. Instead, I completely disregarded what my instincts have been telling me for years.
On the surface I had it all—the glam, the material, the superficial. On the inside though, I was slowly becoming a shell of an individual. I was losing respect for my own self and with that came low self-esteem and -worth. Surprisingly, my confidence was at an all time high. After all, I finally had the life that I’d thought I’d wanted, with all the bells and whistles. Yet, it all felt so empty. Which, of course, led to more material gratification.
Realizing that I was becoming a person that I one day would despise led me to a dark place. I kept wondering, how did I get to this place? How did I not see? How did I not come to realize that my entire motivation in life was the opposite of my core values? When did I make the choice to sacrifice my values for the sake of furthering my career? At some time or place, that choice was made.. It has been a difficult and humbling experience over the past few months. My own ego and self-awareness is what needed a reality check.
Now, I am focusing on finding clarity in what I want the next chapter of my life to be. I am looking for ways that I can grow into my full potential. I am treating this year as a course correction. For so long, I was resistant to change because my life appeared to be near perfect. So much so that I did not dare to question if it was the life that I actually wanted.
So, as I watched the many sunsets set over the Laurentian Mountains, in the company of my family, I began to feel the shift. I began to feel the lightness and that dark place slowly starting to fade away.
With Love…
Marta