I originally began writing this blog in the afternoon of March 9th. Today’s March 16th, and after stepping back and giving myself time to process, I have decided to share my most vulnerable piece of writing yet. 

While I am a reserved person and more often step away from the public when dealing with hardship, I’ve realized it is equally as important to share vulnerable moments as it is to share happy ones. This is one of mine. At times as uncertain as ours right now, with everything that is happening in the world, it is as important to show ourselves the same level of compassion and empathy we offer to others. Let’s try and be gentle.

March 9th, 2:14pm 

With Clair de Lune playing in the background, here I am at my laptop trying to put my thoughts into writing, knowing full well that I will most likely not publish this post. Still, writing has always made me feel better, given me a chance to reflect. If you are reading this, then I feel a bit proud, because it means I’ve decided to share this vulnerable moment. 

This morning, my grandma passed away. It wasn’t unexpected but rather comforting, knowing that her suffering has now ended as she lost her brave battle with cancer. With the years, then months, weeks and more recently days leading up to this moment… everything changed by the minute, making the pain that much more great when facing it at a distance. As any immigrant can understand, losing loved ones or facing health scares when they’re thousands of kilometres away is hard. There’s a sinking feeling every time the phone rings, or whenever a new text message comes in. But with this post, I do not want to write about mourning, as we all face it. I want to explore sympathy.

What I did realize today was something entirely separate from our mortality. I realized my lack of self-compassion and empathy. We are taught to be empathetic towards others but so often we dismiss our own selves. It takes a remarkable amount of patience to feel at ease with yourself when feeling down—to not get frustrated or rush the process to feel “better,” but rather be one with that feeling. 

It seems that over the past couple of weeks, things have just been adding up. In the last two weeks, I’ve been physically unwell. From viruses—not Corona—to other complications, my body is not at its best right now. In addition, I faced a scare at work. Working with people is a gift and also a responsibility, one I never considered until I began teaching. Now in my second term, I have dealt with individuals facing challenging scenarios where my personal evaluation of their well being carries weight. It was only when this cropped up that I realized the true magnitude our actions have on other people, the power they hold to both help and hurt, and the cascading effects that come with both. 

At first I was very critical of myself and how I dealt with not feeling well. Being less present and available at work made me question whether I was doing my best. But over the past few days, I’ve taken a step back and tried to allow myself to just be, rather than stay in a sea of criticism.

All three have been difficult, and yet, now, I feel somewhat calm. I have not been forcing myself to be as productive as I have been in the past, nor keeping it to myself due to “not wanting to make others feel down.” I have just embraced this limbo of feelings. That feeling of emptiness. Truthfully, even numbness at times. Some days are better than others. Overall, I can say with certainty that I am doing fine, knowing confidently that I am. But I’ve realized that the only reason I can feel this secure in saying so is because I have been kind to myself this time. I’m being patient. I’m trying to give myself time to process what I feel. 

I think as a society we always rush to resolutions and focus on feeling great at all times. As important as it is to feel happy, it is also important to embrace and accept all of our emotions. Most importantly, by giving ourselves time to heal. Facing hard times and feeling down is part of life’s journey. Just looking around at what is happening in the world around us right now comes with this feeling of heaviness and uncertainty. It is therefore our responsibility to show ourselves the same amount of compassion and empathy that we have been taught to give to others. 

With Love…

Marta